Emotionally Neglected ≠ Complicated

Over my 21 years, I have met countless individuals. Some individuals remained in my life while others did not. However, each one taught me something. Although during the time I wasn't consciously learning, I learned when I began to reflect on my life. 

There was one individual I came across that made me work hard to get to know them. Truly get to know them. I was unable to understand why it was so difficult to have a deeper friendship with them. Having sentimental conversations, conversations about family or personal struggle was just not possible. Upon taking a couple of minutes to step back and think, I discovered that they had been emotionally neglected in their childhood. They had the following nine signs:

1) They buried their own emotions.

2) They were scared to ask others for help/rely on them.

3) They judged themselves harshly. 

4) They felt guilt or shame for their personal needs and feelings.

5) They strived for perfection in everything, almost to an extreme level.

6) They were extra sensitive to rejection of any type.

7) They were overwhelmed and discouraged easily.

8) They blamed themselves for everything.

9) They lacked compassion for themselves.

At the forefront, these signs were not visible. When I began to look more closely at certain situations and conversations, I noticed these signs. It became evident that they had been emotionally neglected. This to me was a big lesson. 

When someone who has been emotionally neglected becomes a part of your life in the form of a friend or family member, it is necessary to not only be aware of these signs but to also cultivate the right technique to help them. *Please note that they may seem to be difficult or complicated people to you but they are not intentionally being this way. They are not difficult or complicated people. Due to their emotional neglect, oftentimes these people will refrain from talking too much about how they feel and more importantly, WHY they feel this way. It goes against how they've lived their life thus far. Forcing them to talk about their feelings is only going to make them run away. In situations that require full vulnerability, they will always choose flight over fight. So, how do you help them? How do you become their friend, someone they CAN talk to about feelings, ask for help, not feel guilt or shame for their feelings? 

First, you will have to understand that they are not the way they are because they wish to be. You will need to show compassion towards them. When you speak with them, reassure them that this is a "no judgement" zone. They can talk to you about anything, even their deeper emotions, struggles, and situations. You may need to start the conversation by delving deep into yourself and talking about your emotions, situations that are bothering you or any secrets. Keep the conversation going and be as vulnerable as you can be. Even though initially, they may not open up to you and have a deeper level of conversation, eventually once they feel comfort and safety around you, they will slowly begin to open up. Be aware that you do not try to invalidate their deeper emotions, situations or what they talk to you about. Remember that it is not for you to invalidate such things. Just listen to them with an open mind and an open heart. Then, attempt to give them good advice. They may not want it or feel uncomfortable. Give it to them and do not expect them to follow. If they do, it'll benefit them and you. If they do not, it will still benefit the both of you. In both cases, they will feel more comfortable around you. They will begin to come to you more often to talk. Slowly, they will also learn to express, not feel guilt for their emotions and be more open. You will help them and your friendship or relationship with them will grow stronger and deeper. 

If someone in your family has been emotionally neglected, the aforementioned technique will bring you closer to them as well. You must remember that allowing them the freedom to be who they wish to be, who they are meant to be and allowing them the independence they require for them to flourish is important. So, be open, supportive and allow their growth. Independence to them, in familial cases, is just as important as everything else.

Emotionally neglected people are still people. Their past, especially in their childhood, their emotions were not considered. They were brushed off or invalidated. Compassion towards their feelings and their forms of expressing their feelings was not provided. However, as I mentioned, they are still people who feel. So, be more compassionate, make an extra effort to be their friend. You will not regret it. Embrace their friendship. I promise you they will become some of your closest friends.